


Nico and Karolina’s Infinite Playlist

by idk5678



Category: Runaways (TV 2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Mutual Pining, Romance, Roommates, Slow Burn, Unrequited Love, no powers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-15
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:40:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22748713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idk5678/pseuds/idk5678
Summary: Karolina has been working on a shared playlist with Nico since senior year of high school.But now they’re adults, and Karolina can’t seem to let it go.As Nico falls in love with Alex, Karolina is forced to come to terms with the fact that her feelings for Nico are not quite those of a platonic friendship, and more like those of a soulmate.Or...Karolina and Nico use a shared playlist to tell each other things they’re too scared to say to each other’s faces.
Relationships: Karolina Dean/Nico Minoru, Nico Minoru/Alex Wilder
Comments: 10
Kudos: 132





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This will be a short fic. Likely 2 chapters.
> 
> Let me know what you think!

Karolina is in love. Truly, deeply, unequivocally in love.

In normal circumstances, this would call for poetry and cheesy pop songs and long talks with her best friend about this undeniable and all consuming change in her life. In normal circumstances, she would be busting into Nico’s room, splaying out across her comforter, and going into every little detail about why her heart feels like it’s pounding through her chest. In normal circumstances she wouldn’t be sitting alone on her floor, curled up in a ball, trying to convince herself that she will survive this. She will let this go.

Karolina is in love. So uncontrollably, unwillingly, painfully in love with her roommate and best friend. She is so uncontrollably, unwillingly, painfully in love with Nico.

***

She always knew something was there; A silent understanding that they were the most important people to each other. (At least that’s what Karolina thought.) And sure, she never liked any of Nico’s boyfriends, never gave them the golden stamp of approval. But she always thought it was just because they had too many tattoos, or their car stank like stale cigarettes, or they had no aspirations in life. They always gave her a good reason, a solid alibi from her own feelings.

That was, until Alex. Alex was sweet, and kind, and unbelievably smart. He got a job right out of college as a high paid engineer for some tech company in the area. They had all grown up together, and Nico’s family loved him. God, even Karolina loved him. But like a brother, like a best friend, not in the way that Nico did... Does...

And Karolina hadn’t come to terms with all of these feelings or thoughts or unknown, but always there, desires until she came home from work one day to find Nico and Alex making out on the living room couch, with the playlist Karolina had made just for Nico playing in the background.

Her playlist, the one she carefully curated every week. Something that was only meant for Nico and those who could hear it from the rolled down car window on a beautiful summer day. Karolina had painstakingly been creating this playlist since their senior year of high school. Since they found out that they were going to colleges across the country from each other. Their way of staying close, of sending secret messages to each other that texts and calls simply couldn’t.

At least that’s what it was for Karolina. But as she watched Nico on the couch, fire in her eyes,sinking into Alex like it was the most natural thing she had ever done, Karolina realized that she was absolutely in love with her best friend. She also realized that no amount of perfectly selected songs or late night cuddles in bed or good morning coffees would ever fill the place of a beating heart and meeting lips. What she could offer Nico would soon become novelty, and she will be demoted to second best, second most important. And Karolina thinks that’s what hurts most.

***

When Nico and Karolina moved back home after college at the same time, it seemed only logical that they would live together. They both got jobs in the area and it made the most sense. Karolina would never admit that she was excited to experience the domestic parts of their relationship. That they would go furniture shopping and buy plants and go to the grocery store together. Maybe, in these moments, she could just pretend that she was enough... That this friendship founded on years of history, of love and understanding and undeniable closeness, could be interchangeable for a significant other. That she would be significant enough to make Nico forget other options, other wants and needs. And Karolina knew it wasn’t fair to Nico. Knew it wasn’t fair to herself.

So as she quietly snuck passed the hot and heavy make out session on her couch, and made her way to her room, the only thing she could feel was total and utter sadness. Her eyes burned, and her heart punched against her chest, both from the nerves of trying not to get caught, but also the knowledge that Nico would never look at her that way. Never want her with all hands, and eyes, and lips...

All she could do was listen to her playlist and try not to think about the fact that these were all Alex’s songs now too. That when Nico heard one of them, she would think of him, want him. And in her irrational mindset of total sadness and frustration, she added a song to the playlist that she might regret. And she laid on her floor, and closed her eyes, and played it on loop while the cool tears slipped down her cheek and into her golden hair.

“Am I allowed to look at her like that?

Could it be wrong when she’s just so nice to look at?”

‘She’ by Dodie rang in her ears all evening. Expressing what she couldn’t. Everything she wouldn’t. She felt the bridge in her bones, in her eyes, in her heart. The words felt almost physical, like they were swimming through her body and puncturing her soul.

“And I’ll be okay admiring from afar,

‘Cause even when she’s next to me,

we could not be more far apart.

And she tastes like birthday cake, and story time, and fall,

But to her... I taste of nothing at all.”

And as the melody slipped into the end of the song, she heard a light tap on the door. She immediately rocketed off the floor and crashed into her bed. She couldn’t let Nico see her like this, like she was a love sick idiot over some girl (she wished it was just some girl).

“Hey Kar... I have to tell you. It’s really hard to get into the mood with your boyfriend when the saddest, possibly gayest song ever written comes on.” And while Nico’s words were innocent and meant to induce laugher, they just made her angry, made her want to cry.

“Well this playlist wasn’t meant for that. Wasn’t meant for him.” Karolina knew the words came out harder than she anticipated, but she didn’t have the energy to take them back, to try and explain. Nico stepped further into the room and closed the door, clearly not getting the hint that the lump of sadness under the sheets wanted to be alone.

“Karolina, what’s going on? Are you crying?!” And all of a sudden, Nico was next to the bed, looking at her like the rest of the world didn’t matter. Like it was just the two of them in this pillow fort, fairy light universe.

“Nic, I’m fine. I just had a long day. Hence, the ‘saddest, possibly gayest song ever written.’”

“Do you want to talk about it?... Is it about a girl?” And in that moment, Karolina thought she saw a hint of something other than empathy, a hint of sadness or dare she say, jealousy. And she wanted to scream yes. She wanted to grab Nico and pull her in for an earth shattering kiss. She wanted to tell her that she was hopelessly, recklessly in love with her. But she didn’t. She couldn’t. She’d always be a martyr if it meant Nico was happy.

“Is Alex still here? I didn’t mean to interrupt your evening.” Karolina buried her face in her hands and wiped hard at her cheeks, leaving angry red lines. She still couldn’t make eye contact, couldn’t look too hard at the sympathy in Nico’s eyes.

“He just left... Karolina, can you please talk to me? Tell me what’s going on.” She felt a warm hand pull one of her arms down, exposing half of her face. And her insides felt like a civil war, half wanting her to be impulsively honest. The other half trying to preserve whatever dignity she had left. Ultimately, that part of her won, mostly out of the fact that she wasn’t ready to fully know that Nico could never love her back.

“Have you ever been in love with someone you can never have?” Well... the other half seemed to be fighting back in a last ditch rebellion, allowing those words to slip from her mouth before she could stop them, before she could process all of the unintended consequences that hung on to each syllable.

“Um.... I don’t know. Are you in love?” Nico said it while clearing her throat. The words sounded weak and wavering. Seemingly unsure of whether they wanted the answer. Karolina took a moment to collect her thoughts, but there didn’t seem to be enough air in the room, and she felt sick, and she just wanted to get out of this moment before she did irreparable damage to their friendship.

“Yeah... Ummmm... I thought I was, but she loves someone else.” Karolina bit her lip hard and turned to stare up at the ceiling. She was scared her eyes would tell more than she wanted them to. More than she was ready for.

“I think I might be in love with Alex...” And if there was a god out there somewhere, he must really hate her, because those words felt like a physical assault to her nervous system. She closed her eyes and steadied her breathing, braced herself for heartbreak.

“That’s amazing Nico... He’s a great guy. I mean... He’s practically family.” She saw a small, meek smile form on the petite girl’s face. And she wanted nothing more than to be the cause of it. But she wasn’t. She’d never be.

“I want you to find that with someone who deserves it, Kar. If that girl doesn’t see how unbelievably special you are, she doesn’t deserve you.” If you only knew. That’s all that Karolina could think. If only Nico knew.

***

Karolina found it hard to get out of bed the next morning, even with the sun glaring through her room and the birds chirping outside. Her muscles ached and her eyes burned and her head pounded. She felt like she was experiencing the worst hang over of her life. But she wasn’t hungover just heart broken, and she wished she could blame alcohol for this. Instead it was just an overdose of Nico.

She heard a small knock on the door, similar to the one last night. Normally, Nico would just bust right in and yank her out of her bed by her ankles. But heartbreak was different, and it made her softer, more patient with the blonde.

“Hey Kar, I come baring coffee... And also a proposition.”Karolina opened one eye and glanced over at Nico, still not making any actual attempts at moving.

“Make your proposition and I will tell you if it’s worthy of me leaving my bed.” She saw a small smirk form on Nico’s face, and she tried to bury all the ways that made her feel. She could see that Nico was already dressed and with a full face of tastefully done goth make up.

“What if we spend the day together, just the two of us? I feel like we’ve been missing each other lately and I thought it might take your mind off things...” She wished she could explain to Nico how totally wrong she was. How a day alone with her is actually the worst possible thing for her mental health right now. But unfortunately, Nico was right. They had been missing each other with Karolina working so much and Nico constantly with Alex. They hadn’t really held a full conversation in over a month. So today, she would play the part of happy go lucky best friend, but tonight, she was fully prepared to fall apart.

“Yeah, Neeks, that sounds great... Just let me get dressed and get some coffee in me.”

She slipped into some light wash, ripped jeans and a yellow tank top. She then pulled her tangled hair into a messy ponytail and slid some aviators over her puffy eyes. She took one glance in the mirror to make sure she was semi presentable to the general public, then proceeded into the living room.

“You know it’s really unfair that you look that hot without even trying?” Nico had barely even glanced up at her from her phone, but the words still made Karolina’s cheeks hot. She knew the statement was totally platonic, but the blonde needed some kind of hope to hold on to.

“I look like a mess. And you should be the one to talk...” The words slipped out quicker than she could catch them, quicker thank she could fully comprehend what they meant. God, was every conversation with her now going to feel like dodging emotional land mines, trying not to blow up what they have.

“Please. A lot of work goes into this look everyday.” Nico was now lacing up one of her platform Doc Marten boots. She was in ripped, black skinny jeans and a distressed band tee of some band Karolina didn’t know or care to know. The short sleeves were cuffed to midway up her bicep. She looked too cool to even breathe the same air as Karolina, none the less know she existed.

“I think you look beautiful no matter what. No make up, messy hair, in sweats. That’s my favorite version of you...” Karolina couldn’t stop herself anymore. Nico’s eyes met hers and the contact seemed to fill in the silence better than words could. They looked vulnerable and almost wanting. But Karolina didn’t really know what Nico wanted or needed. Didn’t think it would ever match the description of gangly blonde female with a heart of gold.

She slid her beat up, white high top converse on and waited for Nico by the front entry. “Come on... You can’t just yank me out of bed and then move this slowly...” Nico gave her a glare, then finished sending a text before moving passed Karolina to the door.

“Sorry, I was just letting Alex know that I’ll be off the grid today.” Karolina wished it didn’t hurt to hear his name. But it did, and she feared it always would.

“You don’t have to do that... ‘Be off the grid.’ I’m not that high maintenance.” Karolina said this while fumbling around with the keys to lock the door. She was thankful for the small distraction that kept her from solid eye contact. She felt Nico grab her hand and pull her attention back to their conversation.

“Kar, I’ve missed you. This isn’t some pity outing. I just really want to spend some quality one on one time with you.” Karolina bit her lip. It was taking everything in her not to lean down and kiss Nico right now. Give a new definition to one on one time. But she didn’t. She wouldn’t.

***

Once in the car, Karolina plugged in her phone and put their playlist on shuffle. Most of it was fun pop songs and nostalgic alternative rock, but there were a few new additions that Karolina threw in last night in her moment of weakness.

“Every time we talk all night, you’ve only got one foot in the river, baby, why?

If only I could read your mind.

You’ve got your finger on the trigger, baby,

Give in to me.”

SGL by Now, Now was swimming through the speakers. Nico bobbed her head along with it, but it was clear she had never heard it before, clearly never felt it before.

“Starry-eyed, I was young and dumb.

But I could’ve died with you there in the sun.

Pick it up baby if we’re movin’ too slow.

Every word is heavy, tell me what you wanna know.

You’re my shotgun lover and I want it all.”

“What is this? I don’t think I know it.” She was now staring at her, but Karolina kept her eyes trained on the road. This song plus Nico’s attention was too much for her heart to take.

“SGL by Now, Now. I’ve been really feeling these lyrics lately.” Nico nodded and faced forward, slumping down a little.

“Because of that girl?” Her voice was small, barely audible, but Karolina didn’t miss it. Didn’t want to miss it.

“Yeah, I guess...” Nico’s eyes were still fixated on the dashboard but her hand managed to interlace into the blonde’s. It felt like she was claiming her in some way, wanting her in someway. God, did she know she was killing her. “So... Do you want me to just drive around aimlessly, or do you have an idea of where we should go?...”

The words seemed to shock Nico back from a trance. She immediately began shaking her head, her mind fumbling it’s way back to this current moment.

“Neeks, you okay?”

“Yeah... Yeah... I just want to hear more about your girl. What’s she like? Why is she so special to you?” The questions were now flowing out of Nico faster than Karolina could comprehend them. There was an insecurity in her voice that made the blonde wonder what was really going on in her head.

“Well... She’s beautiful, and funny, and intelligent.” Karolina knew she was playing with fire, but she didn’t care. She needed some relief from all of these thoughts and emotions. “She’s totally opposite from me, but in all of the best ways. God... I don’t even know what else to say.”

Nico fell silent, her eyes were fierce and her jaw pulsing. She looked agitated, maybe even jealous... But Karolina couldn’t let her self go there. That thinking would get her crushed.

“Her only major flaw is... well... She doesn’t love me back.” Karolina was glad her sun glasses were hiding the tears now forming in her eyes. If it was anyone else, she would wonder why she was wasting so much time wanting something she can’t have. But this was Nico. Her heart would always want Nico.

“How could she not be in love with you? You’re like... Perfect. If she can’t see that, she doesn’t deserve you anyway.” Her tone sounded frustrated and reckless. Almost as reckless as Karolina’s heart pounding against her chest.

“Well, we don’t get to choose who we love, do we?” Karolina’s tone seemed to match as she gripped the steering wheel harder. She knew this day would be hard, but it was now beginning to feel like heart break torture.

“I mean... I chose Alex. He was always there, always wanted me, even when no one else did. And it wasn’t until I chose to open my mind to him... To us...” The words faded out into silence, incomplete and quiet. And all Karolina wanted was to scream that she always wanted her, that she a was always there always waiting for Nico to wake up and see her.

“Well Nico, I’m glad you had a choice. But believe me, if I could choose to not be in love with this girl, I would. I don’t think anyone would choose to feel this way.” The petite girl unlaced her hand from Karolina’s and kept her eyes on the road. Her facial expression was hard to read, the only word to describe it was fierce.

“Drive us to the closest grocery store. I want to make us dinner tonight.” Finally, with a destination in mind, Karolina was able to fully focus on something other than the tense air in the car and the lover letter of a playlist that was blaring through the speakers.

***

After a day of grocery shopping and coffee pitstops, they finally made it back to their apartment. Things still felt weird between them, and Karolina wasn’t quite sure why. Wasn’t quite sure how to make it easier, make it lighter.

“I’ll start dinner.” Nico’s voice was hard and choppy, and Karolina was beginning to wonder what she did to deserve it.

“Nico, are you... I mean... Are we okay?” She watched as the petite girl shook her head and took a deep, mind clearing breath.

“Yeah, yeah, sorry. I don’t know what’s gotten into me.” Her voice softened and her eyes had a hint of remorse in them.

“Cool, cool... I just want to make sure I didn’t do anything to upset you...” Nico was now seasoning chicken to put in the oven, her back to the blonde. Her shoulders were tight and her movements were tense. “I’m just going to put some music on.”

Karolina moved into the kitchen where they had a small, portable speaker. She shuffled their playlist and turned the volume up, hoping it would drown out this overthinking, over emotional silence.

Sleepover by Hayley Kiyoko began playing and Karolina thought this might be worse, make things even more loaded. It was another new addition to the playlist, but since Nico loved Hayley Kiyoko, she thought it might be a bit more subtle. Now, the words seemed to be all too relevant.

“Even when you’re next to me, it’s not the way I’m picturing,

And I’m just feeling low, feeling low.

You wanna be friends forever, I can think of something better,

I’m just feeling low, feeling low.”

To try and break the tension, Karolina began to dance, softly swinging her hips and approaching Nico.

“Kar... Come on... You know I don’t dance.” Karolina was now almost touching Nico, her hand now pulling at the girl’s hip.

“Come on ‘too cool for school,’ it’s just me. No one to impress, nothing on the line. Just me.” She gave Nico a dangerously playful smirk and pulled her against her body. If she thought she was playing with fire before, that was a spark in comparison to this blaze. Nico was now moving against her, trying not to giggle as Karolina interlaced their hands and brought them above their heads.

“At least I got you in my head, oh yeah.

At least I got you in my head, my head.

Sleepovers in my bed, oh yeah.

At least I got you in my head, my head.”

Soon Nico’s hands were sliding down Karolina’s arms, down to her hips. Her eyes following their movement, unable to really make eye contact. Unable to give honesty to the wonder of this moment. These movements weren’t innocent, they were intentional and full of desire. But Karolina couldn’t process any of that as she felt their hips sway together, Nico’s arms wrapped around her.

“Always there to brush your hair,

help you pick out what to wear.

I just feel alone, feel alone.

You will never understand,

even when you hold my hand.

I just feel alone, feel alone.”

Karolina stared at Nico’s lips, the way they curved like poetry. Feeling her so impossibly close made it hard to remember that there were lines that could be crossed, mistakes that could be made. All she knew was that she wanted to feel those lips against her own, feel Nico want her now. And she was fine with being a mistake to Nico for the rest of her life if it meant that she could have all of her in this moment. If it meant Nico was capable of wanting her in some way other than friendship for just one song.

“Come on, let’s sleep in my bed.

Can I just be in my head with you?

Come, let’s sleep in my bed.

Can I just be in my head with you?

And it breaks my heart, yeah, it breaks my heart

I do this every single time. Every time.”

And all of a sudden, as the bridge entered into the final chorus, she felt Nico’s eyes meet hers. They were dark and unlike she had ever seen them before. Nico wanted her with all hands, and eyes, and lips. So how could this be a mistake?

Their lips came crashing into each other’s. Karolina wasn’t sure who made the first move or who was going to make the last. All she knew was that their bodies were moving together like a melody. That she wasn’t alone in this moment of total attraction, and desire, and dare she say love. Her hands came up to hold Nico’s face, and then moved to wrap her fingers around the back of her neck. She felt Nico grip at her tank top, clinging to the only thing currently between them.

The only problem with melodies, with songs in general, is that they end. There’s a beginning, a middle, and a finale. And their melody came to screeching halt as Hayley Kiyoko’s ‘Sleepover’ moved into Sam Smith’s ‘Leave Your Lover.’ All of a sudden, Nico’s eyes popped open, wide, and she was pushing Karolina off of her and on to the floor.

“What the fuck are we doing?! I’m with Alex!” There were tears in her eyes, likely from regret, but all Karolina could feel right now was the crushing weight of the finality of that moment, and the wood floor on her butt.

“You’ll never know the endless nights. The rhyming of the rain.

Or how it feels to fall behind and watch you call his name.

Pack up and leave everything. Don’t you see what I can bring?

Can’t keep this beating heart at bay.

Set my midnight sorrow free. I will give you all of me.

Just leave your lover, leave him for me.”

Those lyrics felt like they were physically searing Karolina’s skin. She felt the tears in her eyes, hot and unpleasantly inevitable. And then all she felt was anger and frustration; at herself, at Nico, at Alex, at the universe for making her make this choice. And now as Nico was looking down at her, her eyes going from total regret to total sympathy, Karolina realized she had to get out of here. Had to give herself space from the only person she didn’t want space from.

“Karolina, are you hurt? I’m so fucking sorry.” The blonde didn’t really know how to answer that question. Sure, she would have a bruised ass and maybe some scraped hands, but what hurt far worse was her heart, and her soul, and her stupid fucking ego. She pushed herself off the floor and back to her feet. She slid passed Nico, and went to her room, pulling out an over night bag and haphazardly throwing random shirts, and pants, and under garments in it. She could face Gert and Chase looking at her like a lovesick idiot. But she couldn’t face Nico pitying her for feeling everything in that moment that she pretended to. “Whoaaaa, Karolina slow down. Can we talk about this?!”

“Talk about what, Nico?! Talk about how you’re the girl? You’re the beautiful, and funny, and intelligent girl that could never want me back? Because based off the way you just propelled me off of you and onto the floor from just a kiss, I don’t think you are ready to hear that I am so heartbreakingly, soul shatteringly in love with you.” Karolina was now sobbing while zipping up her bag and sliding her converse on, still unable to meet Nico’s gaze. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better best friend to you. I tried to let this go, but my heart wants you and you chose him.”

Nico fell silent, letting her move passed her to the door. The momentum of this series of events being the only thing keeping her from completely crumbling in on herself.

“I just... I need some space to clear my head. I’m sorry.” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter!
> 
> Nico makes her own additions to the playlist and they are both forced to confront their feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! I love getting feedback!

Karolina had been at Gert and Chase’s for a total of 24 hours, and she spent most of that time in their guest room, door locked, listening to her stupid, useless, waste of time and energy playlist. She gave Gert and Chase some BS excuse that her and Nico got in a huge fight and needed some space. Well, maybe it wasn’t total BS. But this fight wasn’t over taking out the trash or ruining a shirt in the wash. It was more along the lines of Karolina ringing out her own heart until there was nothing left, and Nico just letting her go with out a word. Could it really be a fight when only on person was fighting for them, for what they have, for what they could have?  
So as she listened to this stupid, useless, waste of time and energy playlist, she began to wonder why she was still doing it. Still adding songs every week, making sure this sonic connection she had with Nico didn’t peter out into nothingness. Nico used to contribute as much as she did, but as time went on and life got busier, it became a one sided affair that Nico happened to reap the benefits of when trying to get in the mood with her boyfriend.  
That was until today, when a song Karolina had not added came on on shuffle.  
“It’s not true, tell me I’ve been lied to. Cryin’ isn’t like you, ooh.  
What the hell did I do?”  
I love you by Billie Eilish was now filling all the air in the room, making it hard for Karolina to be present anywhere other than in this verse.  
“Maybe won’t you take it back? Say you were tryna make me laugh. And nothing has to change today, You didn’t mean to say ‘I love you.’ I love you and I don’t want to, ooh.”  
The lyrics ignited an anger in Karolina that she didn’t know she was capable of feeling, especially not towards Nico. How dare Nico use this song as a cop out. How dare she ask her to take back the most vulnerable and honest thing Karolina had ever said to her.  
“The smile that you gave me even when you felt like dying. We fall apart as it gets dark, I’m in your arms in Central Park. There’s nothing you could do or say,  
I can’t escape the way I love you.  
I don’t want to, but I love you, ooh.”  
And Karolina tried not to think too hard about the what the lyrics seemed to imply under the surface. That she loved her too. That maybe she didn’t want to, and maybe she never intended to, but she loved her. And, god, Karolina wished it were true, but these weren’t Nico’s words. This was just another song, buried under hundreds of other songs that had less to say and less to promise.  
She heard a gentle knock, and then a key clinking around in the door knob. It was Gert, fully dressed and ready for the day. Her purple hair was framing her face, her glasses teetering on her nose. She was wearing a distressed jean jacket with buttons and pins covering it. Normally,

her default facial expression was hard and fiery, but right now all she wore was a kind smile and a sympathetic gaze.  
Karolina, Nico, Alex, Gert, Chase, and Molly all grew up together. They had known each other since they were in diapers. And no matter how far they went, they always seemed to come back to each other, to be there for each other. Hence by Karolina was now taking up residence in Gert and Chase’s guest room turned Nico free sanctuary.  
“Hey Kar... Nico swung by this morning wanting to see you. I told her you weren’t in the mood, but she looked pretty rough.” Karolina buried her face in the pillow, letting it soak up the tears that had begun to form.  
“I’m surprised she isn’t trying to fix things with Alex right now...” And in that moment, she knew she said too much.  
“What happened between you two? This didn’t really seem like just some fight... I have genuinely never seen Nico so torn up before.” Gert was now moving closer and sitting at the end of the bed.  
“Well... We kissed, she pushed me away from her like I was the most repulsive thing she had ever come in contact with, and then I confessed my undying love for her. Next thing I knew, I was packing a bag and she was letting me go. God... I’m such a fucking idiot.”  
“Well Chase owes me $20.” Gert muttered under her breath. “I mean, I’ve known you were in love with Nico your whole life. It’s pretty glaringly obvious.” Karolina peered up at her, her eyes blood shot and puffy. She was beginning to wonder if they were going to permanently stay that way.  
“Well then, you probably also know that Nico could never want me in that way, and that she’s head over heals in love with Alex.” The statement was met with silence, which made Karolina even more insecure and embarrassed.  
“Maybe she was just shocked? I meant it’s not every day that your best friend of 22 years tells you that she’s in love with you while you’re in a relationship with your other best friend of 22 years. I mean... That’s some heavy shit.” Karolina knew Nico was in a tough position, but it was hard for her untangle the ball of rational thought and irrational heart break. All she knew was that she had scuffed hands, a bruised tailbone, and an aching heart. “But Karolina, Nico looked absolutely devastated, and she came here to see you. That has to mean something...”  
“I just need a little bit more time, Gert. I promise we will talk soon and I’ll be out of your hair...” And with that, Gert gave her a supportive squeeze to her knee and got up to leave the room. Leave her to wallow in the memory of last night, knowing she should regret it all, but she didn’t.  
***  
Karolina had now been at Gert and Chase’s for a week. And while Nico was blowing up her phone with apologies and ‘please just talk to me’s’, she still wasn’t ready. This was also the first week in 2 years that Karolina hadn’t updated the playlist. She just didn’t have the heart to bring herself to do it.  
But there was another new addition, one that shocked Karolina out of her own self pity and into this current moment.  
“But if the world was ending, you’d come over right?

You’d come over and you’d stay the night. Would you love me for the hell of it?  
All our fears would be irrelevant.  
If the world was ending, you’d come over right? The sky’d be falling and I’d hold you tight,  
And there wouldn’t be a reason why we would even have to say goodbye.”  
If the World Was Ending by JP Saxe featuring Julia Michaels... What the fuck was this song supposed to mean? Was it meant for Alex? Was she using their playlist to get back on his good side. Because if that was the case, Karolina would never be able to forgive her.  
“I know, you know, we know, you weren’t down for forever and it’s fine.  
I know, you know, we know, we weren’t meant for each other and it’s fine. But if the world was ending you’d come over right?  
You’d come over and you’d stay the night.  
Would you love me for the hell of it?  
All our fears would be irrelevant.”  
And with those words stinging her brain and her heart, she slid out of bed, grabbed her car keys, and found herself sitting in front of her and Nico’s apartment; angry, hurt, disappointed, and still some how hopeful.  
Before she could even finish knocking (which felt weird to begin with, because it was her own apartment after all), the door swung open wide to reveal a makeup-less, messy haired, sweats wearing Nico. Eyes raw and puffy. Hands shakily gripping the door knob.  
“Karolina.. I’m so-” but the blonde couldn’t even let her finish, wasn’t ready to hear regret filled apologies in regards to her shattered heart.  
“Nico, what the fuck is this?!” She held the phone up, ‘If the World was Ending’ paused on her screen. She moved passed her into the apartment, now pacing around like a lunatic. “What game are you playing?! Because if you put this song on OUR playlist for Alex, I don’t even know what I’m doing here. Why I’m still-” And now, Nico was interrupting her, but this time with lips and salty tears and hands locked around the back of her neck. The kiss was hungry and desperate and unlike anything Karolina had ever experienced. The physical manifestation of everything she had been feeling for this girl her whole life. But now alarms were going off in her head, and as much as her body was begging her to give in, her mind was telling her to think rationally. She pulled Nico off of her and shook her head, angry tears streaming down her cheeks and clinging to her jaw bone. “No.... This isn’t how this is going to go... I’m not your back up plan. I’m not the person you settle for after you fucked it up with the one you want.”  
“Karolina, can you just fucking stop for two seconds and listen to me?” The blonde’s eyes flicked up to meet Nico’s. She was crying too, still gripping Karolina’s arms so she wouldn’t just pull away and run. “You’re not my back up plan. You’re my whole plan. My life plan. My love plan. My forever plan.” This was everything Karolina had wanted to hear since they were kids, but with everything that had happened, she wasn’t sure if Nico was just saying this because she was scared of losing her after losing Alex.  
“But... you told me you loved him... You told me you chose him. You pushed me away because of him.” And now Nico was flipping over her hands and staring at the faded scrapes on her palms. The only physical proof that that night even happened. She saw Nico’s jaw pulse and her eyes close. New tears now pricking passed her eye lashes.

“I’m so unbelievably sorry, Karolina. I was just shocked and scared... And fuck... I hurt you. I hurt you when all you were trying to do was love me...” Now Nico was falling back on to the couch and burying her face in her hands. And as much as Karolina wanted to stay mad at her, seeing her best friend like this trumped everything else. Trumped her own selfish heart ache. She slipped next to her on the couch and wrapped her arm around her, pulling her into her chest.  
“Nico... Shhhh... I’m alright, it was just a couple scrapes.” She placed a warm, sweet kiss to the top of her head, trying to calm the convulsing girl in her arms.  
“It’s not just your hands, Kar... You poured your heart out to me... You were so unbelievably vulnerable... And I just let you walk away. I said nothing and let you leave out that door thinking you were alone in this.” And Karolina couldn’t argue with that. It was the truth, and she didn’t want to keep lying to Nico as a temporary fix. She had done that her whole life, and look where it got them; Heart broken, confused, and wondering if there was anything left to salvage. “I had a lot to think about when you left... At first I was angry at myself for letting that moment happen, for getting so wrapped up in you that I wasn’t thinking clearly... And then I was sad that I betrayed Alex, that this was going to hurt him in ways I never intended. And then once all of the obvious shock and panic subsided, all I wanted was to fall into your arms again and never let go. So I showed up to Gert’s hoping I could explain myself... But you weren’t ready, and I get that. So I spent the last week listening to our playlist over and over again, hearing all those songs like it was the first time. Listening to everything you tried to tell me, but I was too stupid and blind and stubborn to realize it.”  
“I just wanted to make you happy... I still just want to make you happy. And if that means adding songs to some ridiculous playlist every week for the rest of my life, I’ll do it.” She felt Nico grab her hand and stared down at their knotted fingers, unable to meet her gaze.  
“You asked me why I put ‘If the World Was Ending’ on our playlist... And I don’t think I ever got to give you that answer.” Nico took her free hand and pulled Karolina’s chin up so they were now staring into each other’s eyes with no walls up, nothing left to hide. “I put it on there because when I heard it, the first person I thought of was you. That if earth as we knew it was going to implode, and we only had a few hours left, I would want all the time left to go to you. I love you Karolina... I am so heartbreakingly, soul shatteringly in love with you. And you’re right, it’s not a choice, but I would still choose you. Every single time.”  
And now they were kissing again, and she wasn’t sure who made the first move, or who was going to make the last. But it didn’t matter, because this was the start of something bigger than this moment. Bigger than a shared apartment and a life long friendship. This was the start to forever.  
A song may have a beginning, middle, and end. But life was a playlist, and Karolina couldn’t wait to share hers with Nico until infinity.


End file.
